When you are doing it to yourself.

Yesterday I was having a moment. Burning the chicken, checking the clock knowing I was running late, guiltily watching my dog watch me because he hadn’t had any attention, all the while trying to please others by getting things done for them before getting my things done.

And internally it was causing a mental. Too much to do, too little time. Mentally ranting at what I had promised to do and those I had promised to do it for. Feeling like the rest of the day was shot, so why even try?

And for the first time in my life, I took a breath. I took a second, deeper breath and asked myself, “Why am I rushing?” Why am I pushing? Why am I stressed?

It wasn’t because there was a list of things to get done because there is always a list of things to get done.

It wasn’t because I had promised to help others out because I always do that too.

It was partly because I overextended myself, but since when is that a change?

No, I wasn’t overwhelmed because of any of this.

I was overwhelmed because of the story I was telling myself. That it needed to happen NOW. That time is of the essence and I will either let myself down or someone else, so it might as well be myself. It was for crossing my boundaries for self-care that I never knew existed before.

And most of all it was because in the rush the only story I was repeating to myself was I’m failing. Which turned into I’m failing them. Which turned into screw them, I’m failing myself. Which turned into I’m a failure.

But in taking a breath. In asking why the rush. In pausing and listening to my story, I forgave myself.

I told myself another hour was not going to change the world. I was already later than I wanted to be, so take a breath and take my time.

I told myself that what others had asked for didn’t come with a due date. So why not do it at a later date.

I told myself that my dog would still think I was the bees knees whenever he got to play fetch, no matter the timing.

I told myself that one hour of my time will not and would not make or break my future.

So I took a breath. And I realized I was just doing it to myself.

And that I wouldn’t do it anymore.

A Simple Chaos is an open forum to write to my heart’s content. The words are produced from my own life experiences and all opinions are my own.

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