I haven’t written here in awhile. It turns out that trying to learn something new while starting a graduate program isn’t an efficient use of my time, but I definitely plan to go back to learning about beauty. …in a year. lol.
I loved learning about the aspects of art and beauty, and definitely feel a calling to go back to it, but it will have to wait one more year until I have the capacity to think freely.
In the meantime, I’ve got a new journey to go on: weight loss. It’s not just about the weight, even though everyone desires their own version of a “summer bod”, but it’s more about my journey to freedom.
“It’s a lifestyle”
I’ve carried a high level of anxiety within my bones since I was born. We’ve all got our own traumas to deal with, and the results of mine have been anxiety, a lack of self worth, an addiction to food as an emotional distraction, carrying extra weight on my body as protection and fears of being truly seen and being left behind.
All of this has amounted to years of being obese, followed by 10 years of yoyo-ing my weight and frustration that I can never lose more or keep the weight off.
I’ve always been an active person. I’ve tried most sports under the sun, enjoy walking and traveling and love my fruits and vegetables. My passion for these things has been consistent throughout my life, yet I’ve always been the overweight person. “Why me?” has been too loud of a refrain too often, and surprisingly enough, when I look around I tend to be surrounded by really healthy (active, healthy-sized, not overeating, emotionally healthy) people. I realize that each person carries weight on their bodies in their own way, and my 5'1" frame carries 150 lbs very differently than my 5'6" friends.
According to our inner schemas, we surround ourselves with people who are like us. So if I’m surrounded by healthy people, why am I the only one that’s physically overweight? (Setting aside the fact that everyone has their own traumas and issues to deal with that may not be visible to people outside themselves.)
I think my answer is finally coming down to trauma, anxiety and emotional dysregulation. My overeating and lack of emotional regulation has created friction and dis-ease within my body. So each year…